My Lips are Sealed
by mochamaker
Summary: A body, a set of handcuffs, and a phallus.  Jane with her plethora of jokes...  It's a good time had by all...except for the dead guy.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own the characters and I am not making a profit.

Rated M for a little slap and tickle.

Slapstick Rizzles

**My Lips Are Sealed**

The lights of the police cruiser flashed and reflected against the store front window in a pattern of red, white, and blue. Homicide Detective Jane Rizzoli, threw open the door and stepped out with a sigh. She slammed the door shut and waved to the approaching black van. The driver, Dr. Maura Isles, waved back and slammed on the brakes, the front of the van stopping inches from the rear of Jane's cruiser.

"Hey," Jane squealed. "Careful where you're going, Doc."

The van door opened and Maura hopped out. "I'm sorry, Jane. But these heels were not made for driving this vehicle."

Jane walked up to Maura and looked over at the van. "So, why are you driving this piece of steel? Where's the Benz?"

Maura grabbed her Coroner's case and slammed the door shut, wincing as the hinges squeaked. "It's in the shop…again."

"Well if you wouldn't spend so much time flirting with the mechanic, he might actually get the car fixed."

Maura huffed, walking away from the van and toward the store. "I do not _flirt_."

"Right. You only bat your lashes because your mascara was running, right?" Jane stomped and caught up with Maura, the pair walking quickly through the store door and inside.

Two uniformed officers guarded the door. "Hey porkster, the girlfriend treating you okay?" Jane burred, reaching out and poking the skinnier of the two uniformed officers in the shoulder.

"You know, ma'am. She's doing better than the last." He winked at her and held out his hand for her identification. "I need your ID's. Your teams here already. You're the last to arrive."

"So, Detective Frost and Korsak are inside?" Jane asked, handing over her and Maura's badges, waited for the nod from porkster, then they both walked inside. "That's unusual that they're both here. I wonder why."

Jane glanced around, taking note of the scene. "Holy crap." She stared at the different array of objects displayed on the wall. "What kind of store is this again?"

"I believe the sign out front indicated that it is an adult entertainment store," Maura muttered, side stepping Jane and going toward the group of detectives and technicians all gathered around the front counter area.

"So…" Jane spun around to keep Maura in her line of sight. "This is a sex shop?"

"That's the slang term, yes," Maura said, kneeling down beside the body. The man slumped forward and sat off to the side of the counter, his back against a set of shelves, his eyes open and vacant with a stare of death.

"Looks like he went out with a bang," Detective Frost chuckled, handing Maura a set of gloves.

"Or, he banged so hard that his dick burst," Jane muttered, sauntering over toward Maura, squatting down to get a better look at their John Doe.

"See the blood on his temple and lacerations to the top of his scalp, Jane? Unless his penis is attached to his ear, then I fail to see how he expired by phallic bursting," Maura said, oblivious to the frown Jane case her way, and continued to pull out her liver temp thermometer and her scene notepad from her Medical Examiner's case.

"Hey Rizzoli, check out all the bottles in the trash," Frost said, pointing to the trash can beside the front counter.

"Well, let's check em for evidence. You know the routine," Jane shouted, glancing over at Frost and standing up. "In fact, I'll help you. It looks like the Doc can handle checking for penile implants." She snickered, turning away from the body and missing the hurt glance Maura cast her way.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own the characters and I'm not making a profit.

Rated T to M for funnies

**My Lips are Sealed**

_Part Two_

"So, Frost, who found the guy? Any witnesses?" Jane glanced around the shop, taking in all the different forms of adult entertainment. "Other than the silicone and fake fur?" As she turned around to stare at Frost, where he stood behind the counter, a large table display caught her eye. She tilted her head, squinted, and pointed at the display table. "Camo… on a dick? Really?"

"It's very popular," Maura muttered from her spot on the floor.

Jane and Frost turned and stared at her, their jaws dropping open. "And, how would you know?" Jane asked. "Your last boink fest pal tell ya this?"

Frost cleared his throat, then ducked his head to hide his smile. "She shops," he murmured, squatting down to check the safe behind the counter.

"He's correct, Jane. I shop. And, observe fashion trends." Maura put away her case and finished taking her notes. She stood up and peeled off her gloves. "I found identification in his front pocket. His name is Joe Nells. He's forty-six and isn't an organ donor."

"So he'll be buried with all his parts, good to know. Frost, witnesses? And, where the hell is Korsak?"

Frost flipped open his notepad. "Korsak disappeared about twenty minutes ago… You fill in the blanks on that one. Okay, this is what I've got… The call we received was from an anonymous source, female though, and the Uniforms walked in and found him like this. Nobody around, cash still in the drawer, and no sign of the perpetrator."

"So, we have no witnesses and no solid leads. Not yet, anyways. I doubt the dildos will talk," Jane said, squatting down beside Joe Nells and staring at his gaping head wound. "What killed him, Maura?"

"The blow to the head."

Frost and Jane burst out laughing.

"The hardest of his life," Jane gasped, trying to catch her breath. "I bet she wore camo too."

"Could be a he," Frost murmured, looking around the store for any indications of why the homicide occurred. He tapped on the cash register computer and was immediately locked out. "Hmm, looks like the computer system might hold some more information on what we're dealing with."

"The computer system will likely yield very little for you," Maura said.

"It's gotta be checked. You know how important online data is these days, especially in a shady business such as the sex business. Hey, what about the security cameras?" Jane glanced up and pointed at the state of the art camera's located behind the counter and over on the far left corner, where the door was in view.

"I'll get the crime scene guys to download the recordings and I'll go through them this afternoon," Frost said. "I'll get Korsak and get out of here." He stepped around the counter, and headed for the dark blue curtain at the rear of the store. A life-size male doll caught his attention as he walked, and instead of watching where he was going, he stared at the doll.

"Hey watch out for…"

"Ow," Frost squealed, and fell to the floor, knocking down the display of camo-colored dildos, handcuffs, and camo boxed DVD's. He stared up from his spot on the floor. "Hey, can you see me now?"

Jane picked up a box and chucked it at his crotch. "No. You blend right in with all the other dicks."

Maura sighed, and rolled her eyes. "I'll give you my report. As I always do, Jane. The autopsy will be later today if you care to come." Maura gathered her supplies, then left the store with a nod to the Uniforms and without a backwards glance at either Frost or Jane.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own the characters and I'm not making a profit off this

Rated T to M

**My Lips are Sealed**

_Part Three_

"What's up with her?" Jane helped Frost to his feet, kicking the discarded boxes out of the way. She slapped Frost's shoulder, then bent and picked up a dildo. "Women like this stuff, huh? I'd like a bright orange one. The shade hunters wear, ya know? Then I can wave it around and say, 'don't shoot.' She snorted.

Frost giggled "It'd make an excellent target." He picked up a camo set of handcuffs, staring at them with interest. "Then you can go around making more crude references about the male genitalia, comparing it to a loaded gun." He snapped his fingers. "Wait, you do that anyways… Mmhm… Just so you know, I turned off the security system," he whispered, winking at Jane then walking back to fetch Korsak, the camo handcuff box still clutched in his hand.

"I do not wanna know what he plans to do with those," Jane murmured, glancing left then right. "Maybe…" She stroked the box with her thumb, then grabbed a camo vibrator. "Might be evidence. I should…" she muttered under her breath. "Nobody will know the truth." She marched over and grabbed one of the large brown bags from behind the counter, side-stepping the body and slipped the items inside. She stroked the smooth counter surface with her fingertip and then inspected the it for dust. Her glove was completely clean.

"Well, whatever happened to you Mr. Nells, you sure ran a neat and tidy store…" She walked away from the counter toward the back entrance to see what was taking Frost and Korsak so long. "Now, let's see if we can find where you hide all your dirt."

Walking by the male mannequin, she reached down and gave his camo fake penis a slow stroke. "Feels good, hmm?" she whispered and winked at him. "Korsak," she screamed, kicking a few stray camo boxes out of the way as she kept stomping toward the curtain. "Frost, come on… but not that way. You better cover up and wipe your drool before I get there, cause I'm coming back there in about two minutes."

Jane reached the curtain and thrust it aside, stepping into the back area of the store.

"Holy Mother of God. I said cover. Oh shit," she squealed, turning on her heel and covering her eyes. "Do the job, not get a blow-job… You should listen to the uniforms next time."

"Oh, boy," Frost muttered, turning away from the porno and focusing on Jane. "We're in trouble now, Korsak… Or, maybe I should say, you're in trouble. This being your idea."

Korsak turned off the large LED television and looked disappointed. "Hey, you seemed to be enjoying the show. Sorry, Rizzoli. The Doc get here yet?" He glanced at Jane with a big smile.

"Yeah, she did. Came and gone. You missed the party." Jane hid her bag behind her back. "Looks like the victim was knocked over the head with such force that it killed him. But you know how the Doc is, she's gotta check and re-check before giving us the official cause of death." She rolled her eyes. "You two about ready for a meal? I'm starving."

"Sure thing," Korsak said, wiggling out of his chair and brushing off his pant legs. "I think I got stuff on my pants."

Jane huffed. "Probably. You're sitting in a porn shop. You probably sat in some old guys jizz. It'll look great next to the mustard you're bound to drop on it." She marched out of the back room and around the crime scene guys, now littered around the store with their various equipment.

"Frost, don't forget to get the computer searched pronto. I want to know exactly who this guy pissed off enough to get whacked on the head." She shoved open the door, looking back over her shoulder at the body then at Frost and Korsak. "Don't screw-up this one. Maura's counting on us to do it right this time."

"Korsak, Frost, meet me for a cheeseburger at the usual place. And, leave the pilfered magazines in your car. I see that Skin mag your hiding."

"Yep." Korsak sighed, taking the magazines out of his pants.

Frost waved at Jane, then laughed at Korsak's frowning face. "I'll keep an eye on him for you, Jane."

"Better use both eyes then," she let the door slam shut behind her.

"She's a riot," Korsak muttered, shoving the mags back down his pants. "These could be evidence."

"Could be. You contaminated it now, so you better keep them."


	4. Chapter 4

I do not own the characters and I am not making a profit off this story.

Rated T to M

**My Lips Are Sealed**

_Chapter Four_

With the bag secured behind the driver's seat and out of sight, Jane drove to her favorite diner, the Grill Line. Jane sped through the streets without glancing too closely at her surroundings, and sang along with the country tune, blasting from the cheap audio speakers. She pulled into the parking lot and screeched to a halt in her usual parking spot, right near the entrance.

Jane opened the car door right as her cell phone rang. Slamming the car door shut, she answered, "Rizzoli."

"Jane, I need you to stop by the morgue. I think you need to see what the lab techs found," Maura said, her voice higher than normal.

"I'm going to lunch, Doc," Jane huffed, leaning back against the car door. "Why don't you grab your fancy coat and come join us. Korsak and Frost should be along shortly, that way you won't have to repeat yourself three times." She rested the phone against her shoulder and crossed her arms over her chest.

"You at the diner?" Maura asked.

Jane heard rustling, and the telltale clanking sound of Maura gathering up her things. Jane huffed, imagining Maura precisely placing each item into her briefcase. "Sure am, see you in a bit," she said, hanging up the phone without waiting for Maura's response. She marched inside the diner, slipping her phone into her front pocket. "Damn these pants," she murmured, wiggling her hips a bit to get the bulky smartphone inside the incredibly smaller-than-normal pocket. "The last time I ever let Maura buy my pants." Finally getting the phone situated, she brushed off the pant legs and took a moment to admire the gray and black pattern. "Very stylish though. Definitely not practical," she huffed, and walked into the diner.

Jane glanced at the counter to see if May, the owner, was around.

"Why, Jane Rizzoli," May squealed, "I'd thought you'd died and gone to heaven…it's been days, woman." She slapped her hands on the counter, and stared at Jane.

"I know, May. The job keeps me busy, you know what I mean." Jane shrugged. "I'm here now, though, aren't I?"

"Indeed so. Where's your team? And that lovely Doctor Isles?" May smiled, winking at Jane.

Jane felt a blush warming her cheeks, and ducked her head. "They're coming. I'll be in my booth, just bring along the usual meal, extra pickles," she said, walking back toward the booth in the far corner. "A whole pickle too this time, May."

"Sure thing, hon." May grabbed her pad and wrote down the order, then slapped on the chefs turntable. "I'm gonna pickle you," she mumbled, then smiled at Jane's retreating back. The detective had been visiting the diner for years and was a favorite customer of May's, though she'd never say as such to Jane.

Jane sat down in the seat by the wall, affording her a full view of the room. She gave the few regulars a brief wave of hello, then turned her head and glanced out the window. Frost and Korsak were exiting their vehicles, Korsak slammed his door then waved his hands around. Jane glanced away from the pair just as May brought over her bottle of soda, setting it down in front of her with a loud plop. "There you go…" May glanced out the window. "Trouble has arrived. I'll bring over their usual drinks." She smiled down at Jane, then marched away.

"Trouble is right," Jane mumbled, taking a sip of her soda and watching Korsak and Frost walk in the diner, look her way, then approach. "What took you two so long?"

"Traffic," Korsak answered, sitting in the seat across from Jane.

Jane snorted. "Sure…"

Frost stared down at Jane, waiting for her to scoot over from her spot in the middle of the bench seat. "You gonna move, Rizzoli."

"Nope."

Frost sighed, then squeezed into the seat next to Korsak, half his butt hanging off the edge. "Can't you scoot more, Korsak?"

"Ahh," Korsak muttered, and scooted until his left arm bumped the window. "I always have to sit by you. One day soon, Jane is gonna scoot over and let you share her throne over there."

"Don't hold your breath for it, Korsak," Jane huffed, drumming her fingers on the table. "So, what are you two going to eat? We got work to discuss, cause the Maura is on her way over here, and has something important to tell me…us."

"We'll get the usual," Frost said, turning to get May's attention. May was already on the way over with their drinks and Jane's cheeseburger plate. "I see Jane stuck to her routine."

"Shut it," Jane muttered, grabbing her plate and scooting it closer. She grabbed the ketchup bottle, then squirted a healthy amount onto her cheeseburger and then onto her pile of crinkle cut French fries. "All mine… enjoy your tuna melt," she laughed, lifting her cheeseburger to take a bite.

"Oh, here she goes, sticking that hunk of meat into her mouth like a prized T-Bone," Frost murmured, watching Jane. He chuckled, then elbowed Korsak. "Bet she gets ketchup on her shirt."

Jane looked over at Frost. "Bet I don't."

"Hey, Doc," Frost said, looking over at Maura as she appeared beside their booth, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Hello, Barry, Korsak…Jane," Maura huffed. "May I sit?" She looked at Jane and raised her eyebrow.

Jane scooted over as she continued to chew, mumbling, "sure."

Maura eased onto the booth seat and pulled out her file folder, opening it up and spreading out the files, careful of Jane's ketchup blobs, dotting around her plate. "Look what I found. Ligature marks…on his testicles."

Jane choked. "What?" She grabbed a napkin, wiping up her sputtered bread bits. "Marks on his balls?"

Frost turned the photos around. "See here, those…have got to be rope burns. But I'm not speculating until Maura confirms the type."

"I think I just lost my appetite," Jane pushed her plate away, frowning at her half-eaten cheeseburger. Maura reached for a French-fry, swooping it in ketchup then eating it. "Gross," Jane muttered.

"Ohh, I get your pickle," Korsak reached for the whole pickle, smiling at Jane.

"Take it, man," Jane sighed, staring at Maura with disgust. "You just had to bring a picture of the male anatomy while I was eating, didn't you?"

Maura shrugged. "I wanted you to see the photos."

Jane slapped the table. "And it couldn't wait until after I'd eaten my pickle?"

"No. Maybe next time, you should order the tuna, like Korsak."

"I'd rather not." Jane slumped in her seat, reaching out and slamming the folder shut on the photos. "I swear, it's a conspiracy against me. Last week, you brought a lab report on Herpes to lunch, Maura."

"It was fascinating," Maura said, grabbing another French-fry.

"Maybe you do it so you can eat all my fries, thinking I won't notice you swiping them, while you calmly eat your healthy fruit salad and show me pictures of torn up genitals." Jane crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm onto the three of you… I'm sooo onto you," she muttered, then turned away from the table to stare out the window, listening to Frost ask Maura a question about the ball burns.

"I'll pay for your meal, Jane," Maura whispered, leaning over as they exited the booth twenty minutes later.

"Thanks, Maur. Next time though, leave the dick pics at the office please."

"I will," Maura said, following Jane out of the restaurant, and winking at May as she strutted by. "Bye, May."

"Bye, Doc," May said, chuckling under her breath. "Oh, she's got it bad for miss Jane, she sure does. What a cunning lady."


End file.
